I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
