just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
