Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
