When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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