so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
