Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
