i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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