Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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