is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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