Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
