I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
as a side note pls kill me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
