I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
