Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
