I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
time to smoke my breakfast
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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