I'm jealous of your bromance
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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