yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
