Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
