The maid of honor just puked.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
