PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
