I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
