apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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