it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think I just sharted jello shots
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