i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
