I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
