there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
