Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
