yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Sober January is a disaster.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
