ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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