She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
