I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
