just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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