I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
