Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
