Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
