I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
