Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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