I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
