I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
