dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
