I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
