Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
