i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
