All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
