Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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