I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
