yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
