Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
