I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
