My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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