God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
