One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
