Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I smell stomach acid.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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