This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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