I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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