Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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